I’m not the best driver on Earth but I’d like to think I’m very good. This isn’t because I’ve got an automotive ego, it’s because I give people around me plenty of space. It’s because I only move into another lane when there’s nothing approaching me on that side. It’s because I try to think of others when I drive, thus eliminating most chances of being a tit to somebody else on the road.
Every day I see people driving like idiots and it bakes my balls. Instead of shouting at them uselessly from inside my car I thought I’d write the worst four things I hate people doing here. Roads and drivers aren’t totally unique so everyone knows these problems, but this is part of my therapy process for road rage so please humour me.
1. Driving up my arse
Not in a mad-scientist-shrinks-a-car-and-travels-into-my-rectum-like-a-fucked-up-version-of-Honey-I-Shrunk-The-Kids way, but when somebody thinks you’re going slow by doing the speed limit and rides inches off your back bumper. There have been many times when I’ve honestly thought about hitting the anchors and grinning as the following car sails into the back of mine. Yes, there’d be some paperwork to sort out but at least the twat would learn their lesson. I see this every day and it ranges from annoying to downright dangerous. Oh, and it’s always someone driving a nice Mercedes, Audi or BMW. If you drive one of these vehicles be aware that others are letting you down big time. So much so that when I see a driver of one of these cars being responsible and driving well I actually feel the need to pull up level with them, pop down the window and shake their hand.
These people don’t really pose a threat to the rest of us and they’re fairly harmless. The traffic light goes red and they’re at the front of the queue so they slow to a stop in front of the white line. Then, even though they know the light won’t be changing for another 30 seconds, they creep forward at a pace of around 0.36 mph until it goes green. I really don’t get this one. Do these people think they’ll get some kind of speed advantage from this? It defies logic. Taxi drivers are especially guilty of this one and often end up halfway across the junction by the time the light goes green. As I said, not dangerous – just fucking annoying.
3. Lane switchers
Not people who switch lanes normally of course, oh no. I’m talking about those that sit in a right-hand lane and as soon as the person in front of them flicks on their indicator to show they’re turning right, the muppet behind does anything and everything to get into the left-hand lane, cutting up anyone who dares not slam on the anchors for them. The thing that bothers me about this is that these people drive the same route every day (I see the same old cars doing this) and they know what’s going to happen but want to stay in the right-hand lane because there’s a 1 in 5,000 chance that nobody will turn right and they’ll have an advantage over everyone else. If you’re going to drive in a turning lane because you think it’s quicker, accept the fact that there will be times where you’re held up by people in front. You’ve made your bed, now fucking lie in it.
4. Overtaking syndrome
This one isn’t as common as the others so I don’t know if anyone else has experienced it. You’re driving on the motorway and the car in front of you is well under the limit. You go to overtake them and as they clock you in their mirror trying to go past them they speed up so you can’t. This goes on for a while as you’re both level with each other until one person slows down massively or speeds up quite a bit. There’s a rule that applies to this one – your car is usually not as good as theirs when this happens. My own personal perspective is that they don’t like that an inferior car (in this case my 1.2 Seat Ibiza) is overtaking them and upon seeing you they suddenly realise their better car should be high up the list on some kind of automotive pecking order. They’re as silly as the ‘creepers’ and probably don’t deserve mentioning in any way, but they still wind me up.
Right, I feel a lot better now. For those who think I’m using this post to have a dig at expensive cars or cars better than my own, I’m not. I know others who drive nice cars that don’t act like this at all. Also, I see twats in cars that you wouldn’t believe were roadworthy. As much as these people annoy me I am glad they exist. Without them I wouldn’t feel like a superior human being when I’m out on the road. So thank you, shite drivers, you make me look pretty good behind a steering wheel. I’m out.